Dear Mama, Happy Mother’s Day!

Dear Mama,
I just want to say THANKS for being my mom. I see you now for what you are… a real woman who is trying her best to do it all. Thank god you decided to hang in there and be my mom. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Running around with a 2 month old and a 2 year old… the days are blending together, its night time before I can blink and I’ve never needed coffee in gallons before. I’m sitting down for the first time today (its 3:00pm) and no one is saying “mommy mommy” and no one else is demanding to drain my body of milk like a little vampire.

Its such a tangled web of intense emotions. I created 2 little beings that are filling my heart with so much joy that I don’t understand how my heart isn’t bursting with happiness overload… But, I’m also terrified, so scared and worried that something will happen to these little beings. I totally understand how people sacrifice themselves for their kids… it makes perfect sense. I couldn’t bear the thought of my little ones being in pain that I would gladly step in and pull a Katniss Everdeen and take their place.
I have also never felt such intense feelings of anxiety that something could happen at any moment to my kids. I almost decided not to go to the beach on a weekend vacation because of the thoughts I started having about all the things that could go wrong (what if she falls off the slide, what if grandparents take her to the zoo and she runs away and they can’t catch her as quick as I can…)… its endless. Then the feelings of insane frustration and anger…. why the hell won’t you go to sleep?! I feel like a crazy person when I am shhhush-ing and rocking and practicing the 4 “s” … please freakin’ sleep! And feeling like the victim at times, why is this happening to me… (yes 1st world problems)… why can’t I just have a minute to take a shower? Why can’t I have a minute to myself ever?
But thank you mom. Thanks for doing it… for raising me and Russ and Doug. I totally get it now. I never understood why you wouldn’t let me stay over at anyone’s house before you got to meet the parents. I know now why you would come and check on me in the middle of the night after being out… How did you handle that when I came home from a party and told you “I think I’m going to die” because I smoked too much pot. How did you handle all the cuts, bruises, gashes and ER visits? Geez, thanks for not making me feel too too bad for pushing Russ on that barnacle in Florida and cutting his foot open and needing 5 stitches. I ruined your vacation, I get it now. It wasn’t just about me or what I wanted, you were there too, IT was your life too, but thank you for making me feel like it was all about me. I freakin’ love you. I see that is what I’m supposed to do now with my own family. Be the woman who is a mom, wife, friend, teacher, learner, role model, disciplinarian, happiness advocate, but who also wants to feel sexy and alive in her own skin. Wearing all the hats. Doing it with grace and patience. Prioritizing everyone’s comfort and happiness before my own but still maintaining my own goals for my life. Can I just multiply myself into 3 or 4 people, that would make it a lot easier! ha!!
Thanks for signing me up for horseback riding, Indian Guides, dance classes, gymnastics, soccer, basketball, track… you had to drive my butt there and pick me up and get food on the table and do the same for my 2 brothers… wait, how the hell did you do that? Thanks for driving a mini-van so we could be comfy… (I totally understand why you are driving your cute little BMW)… god, you and Dad were freaking amazing…THANK YOU! Becoming a parent myself has broadened my perspective on who I am and what life is really all about. I didn’t appreciate all the ways you and Dad made our life great. I get it now and all I can do is hope to be half as amazing as you guys were for me and my brothers. HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY mom… I love you!

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